There are a lot of things that probably could be said.
There is a lot of things I could put this energy towards
But, as usual, I’m not sure what to say or where to go.
I’ll be frank, I remember her as an older sister.
she would laugh at my jokes and,
In that dry but clearly loving voice
She would say
“I love you.”
That's what I remember most.
I know that we fought,
I know that she threatened me,
I know that she was cruel and crude,
Bitter and downright mean.
But I don’t remember that.
I remember
“I love you.”
I remember my best friend,
Who made me cry when she went on bike rides
Because I thought she was running away.
I remember how she protected me from bullies
and the wisdom that she gave me when I was young.
She made me tough, in the worst of ways,
Yet, now, I can only be grateful.
I wonder if that will change.
I hope not.
For now, I remember:
“I love you.”

The worst part about mourning is how long it lasts.
It is not long enough.
If you consider the hole in your chest
as you return to normalcy
a continuation of mourning,
Then perhaps.
Perhaps.

I want to say
“I lied” to them.
I want to tell them that,
When I was younger,
I did think about killing myself.
I thought about it a lot.
What stopped was the pain
That I saw in that room
When the news was actually delivered.
I don’t want to make it about me, though,
It’s about all of us, and I’m afraid that that remark
Would come off the wrong way.
She liked to point out that
I had a habit of putting my foot in my mouth.

I love my family, and I know that they love me
But I held on tight to the person that I consider
The closest to me when the news struck.
I thought that I would let go of her first,
That I would be the one to need to excuse myself,
But I just wanted to hold onto her as we grieved together.
She was the one to leave first.
She shrugged me off and ran away to be alone.
All I want is for her and everyone else to know
How much I love them,
But now, “I love you” seems cruel.
I hate to see the pain in their eyes I wonder if they hate to see it in mine.
I wonder if they can see it in mine, or if I’m too far gone.
I wonder if, secretly, I’m smiling.
I don’t know why I would be,
I’ve been crushed,
But it seems that I’ve returned to the old days now that she’s gone.
Everyone must hate me.
Why wouldn’t they?
They must have a reason,
Then again, who am I to demand a reason.

There I go again, making it all about me.
I don’t know what else to do when everyone
Walks away.
I just wanted to be close.
I thought that I was.
Now, though, I find myself more distant than ever.
More alone.
I hope they don’t.
If any of you end up reading this,
I do love you.
You should love each other.
The truth is, I’ll be fine.
I have lived on those words in the worst of times.
Its everyone else I worry about.
Occasionally they’ll remind you
That nothing is forever.

I’ll stop soon.
This is the last thing I’ll say.
I’m scared.
I’m terrified
because it seems as though
We get to keep nothing.
I’m worried that my two little sisters will feel like they can never be close to me
Or their parents,
Or any one else ever again
Because that person might just die.
We’ll be okay,
We’ll move on,
And that’s the worst part.


I'll be away from gun for a while. Probably not the full three months, but a while. I hope you guys are here when I get back.

And my mother died, and every night I think about suicide, but I know what horror is necessary for the sake of my beloved.

@Screw4ff

Quote :

I hope you guys are here when I get back.

Be sure we will.
Difficult to understand everything as english isn't my language, so hope I won't make any mistake while answering to you. I'd just say : all my condolences, I wish you all the courage of the world to face this tragedy, can you comfort yourself among yours and consolidate what can be and you still have. Be sure we love you too

@Enclave11 all my condolences too, sorry for your loss to both of you

@Screw4ff I'm so sorry for your loss and you have deepest sympathies, take all the time off GUN or wherever else you need. We'll all be here for you whenever you come back. The wound will never truly heal but I hope one day you'll feel better.

I am so sorry about your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.