Gaming Underground Network

Come for the mods, stay for the community
 
HomePortalLatest imagesInterviewsRegisterLog in
Search
 
 

Display results as :
 

 


Rechercher Advanced Search
Info Panel
______________
MOD MASTER THREADS:
FALLOUT
THE ELDER SCROLLS

______________


______________


GUNinsider
Fallout Miami: Mika999
Stay Connected

GUNetwork
Keywords
commonwealth power ghost Mask boom hunk marvel Gear riot Reforged vault space boomers body clone Ryse Superpele Resident money Duty NPCs khan leon suit Metal dead
Latest topics
» R.S.A. Weapons question
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby gtp_750 Tue Nov 19, 2024 5:30 am

» Hello - Fo4/76 player
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby 3doutlaw Sat Nov 16, 2024 11:28 pm

» Hey everyone
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby FentaBerry Thu Nov 14, 2024 2:29 am

» [FNV] Question about Rainbow Six Siege armor set
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby IzzBee Wed Nov 13, 2024 4:54 pm

» I made a detailed map for Fallout 1 & 2 remakes!
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby railroadbill Wed Nov 13, 2024 5:29 am

» Tammy's Introduction (Making a PA port)
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby Leviatan Sat Nov 09, 2024 4:36 am

» OICW Mod for New Vegas
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby DavidW75 Wed Oct 23, 2024 2:37 am

» Looking for Gta 5 xbox one modded account
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby salman0786 Tue Oct 08, 2024 6:47 pm

» [FNV] Flickering Landscape Textures
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby zliu313 Fri Oct 04, 2024 4:33 pm

» Best Site Ever!
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby WasteNinja88 Sun Sep 29, 2024 7:38 am

» Weird bug or glitch with Console Command. [FNV]
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby nickenicole47 Tue Sep 24, 2024 9:11 pm

» Suggestions on npc mod that Blends with dragbodys mod?
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby ilovebees.com Sun Sep 22, 2024 8:31 am

» [FNV] Right Mouse Button Zoom/ADS Bug
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby Lankychazz2009 Sun Sep 22, 2024 6:20 am

» (FO4) FO76 BOS Objects
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby campesino.p Sat Sep 21, 2024 11:53 pm

» [FNV] Dragbody's FO4 Power Armors bug.
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby Lankychazz2009 Thu Sep 19, 2024 4:34 pm

» Fallout: New Vegas "Pizza Boy" Mod
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby MrMistyEyed2 Tue Sep 10, 2024 3:15 am

» Here Are Some Of The Best Mods From GunNetwork
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby Abyssfer Sun Sep 08, 2024 12:02 pm

» Saying hi after two years
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby spiralsandspirals Thu Aug 29, 2024 2:39 am

» Looking for an alternative to Nexus
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby freakoverse Fri Aug 23, 2024 12:50 pm

» fallout 4 mods
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Emptyby salientguitar4 Mon Aug 19, 2024 7:47 pm

November 2024
MonTueWedThuFriSatSun
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930 
CalendarCalendar
_
November 2024
MonTueWedThuFriSatSun
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930 
CalendarCalendar

Share
 

 Would like some feedback on first novel attempt

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
celtic_spike

celtic_spike

Posts : 314
Join date : 2018-05-17
Age : 44

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt EmptyWed Feb 05, 2020 5:47 pm

so me and my brother are trying to write a novel and i would love to get some feedback on the first chapter. He came up with the story and characters and all that but he has dyslexia so i am trying to do the technical bits grammar, sentence structure ...etc. We are both very much amateurs so feedback would be helpful. first chapter is here.
link:

I personally feel like the biggest problem is ability to write the actual detail i.e. describing how people look, the location...etc. so any advice on that front would be great

_________________
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Giphy
Back to top Go down
CommunistDragon

CommunistDragon

Posts : 209
Join date : 2019-04-05
Age : 24
Location : Frankfurt Germany

Character sheet
Name: Neo
Faction: Highest Bidder
Level: 25

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt EmptyWed Feb 05, 2020 9:30 pm

I don't really have much experience in writing novels and such but I can say that the characters in the story were very interesting.

I do agree about what you said about actual detail, describing the room everyone is in before any conversation starts or perhaps describing the Hierarchy of the mining facility to the best of the Character's knowledge.

Character appearance was pretty good for me, I had a good idea on how Riley and Gilly looked. Kriel's appearance wasn't describe as well.

Personality was one of the best things I enjoyed. Characters seemed believable, and conversations were interesting.

The intensity was really great at the end, I thought for a moment that it was going to be a tragic end for the first chapter. I want to know who shot that blaster lol.
GoodPost!
Back to top Go down
figarodlc

figarodlc

Posts : 34
Join date : 2017-08-01
Location : Spectacle Island

Character sheet
Name: Gen. Fox De La Colline
Faction:
Level:

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt EmptyThu Feb 06, 2020 12:35 am

Heyup, celtic_spike, not always been real big on fiction, but have a few authors that are really enjoyed.

Pros:
*Chapter 1 leaves me wanting to read on. Wanting to learn more about Riley and Gilly who appear to be the main characters. Could easily see character development being a strong suit of this story as it continues.
*Setting is described pretty well for the first chapter, leaving me again wanting to know more about the "red planet" as a whole and the mine in particular.
*The rapid escalation of the first sub-plot and subsequent "permanent" solution is reminiscent of Lee Child's Jack Reacher novels where someone gets the living shite kicked out them right off the block setting the stage for greater plot development in the grand scheme of the story.
*The banter between main characters is reminiscent of James Lee Burke's characters Dave Robicheaux and Clete Purcell and promises more sub-plots with the impetuous Gilly continuously making things interesting for the "arbeit macht frei" style of Riley.

Con:
*Nothing serious, really. The conversations could use more of a tempo, or lilt, if you will, between characters. Could use a more organic flow. Found myself stopping and re-starting some of the conversations.

Overall, the story shows big promise. I like it and want to leave encouragement for you and your brother to continue. Some of the brightest and most creative people I've known personally in life have been dyslexic. My dyslexic friends have been given a very unique perspective on life and their passions and when their creative dams break, the spectacle is truly a sight to see! Especially those who were held back by ignorant education systems.
Thanks for sharing.






_________________
“To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy.”
― Sun Tzu

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Screen26
Back to top Go down
celtic_spike

celtic_spike

Posts : 314
Join date : 2018-05-17
Age : 44

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt EmptyThu Feb 06, 2020 12:58 am

thanks for the feedback guys, that was really encouraging. its too easy to look at what we have done so far and think its a load of shite.
so thanks.
if you are genuinely interested in reading more I will add chapter 2 when I get time to work on it.

figarodlc wrote:
Especially those who were held back by ignorant education systems.

seriously don't me fucking started on that. all 3 of my siblings had to deal with that and left school "believing" they were morons

_________________
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Giphy
Back to top Go down
figarodlc

figarodlc

Posts : 34
Join date : 2017-08-01
Location : Spectacle Island

Character sheet
Name: Gen. Fox De La Colline
Faction:
Level:

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt EmptyThu Feb 06, 2020 1:24 am

celtic_spike wrote:
thanks for the feedback guys, that was really encouraging. its too easy to look at what we have done so far and think its a load of shite.
so thanks.
if you are genuinely interested in reading more I will add chapter 2 when I get time to work on it.

figarodlc wrote:
Especially those who were held back by ignorant education systems.

seriously don't me fucking started on that. all 3 of my siblings had to deal with that and left school "believing" they were morons

Hells yes I wanna read more! Thumbs Up


_________________
“To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy.”
― Sun Tzu

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Screen26
Back to top Go down
Arcades

Arcades

Posts : 373
Join date : 2017-11-19
Age : 23
Location : The Fort

Character sheet
Name: Noah
Faction: L E G I O N
Level: 25

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt EmptyThu Feb 06, 2020 1:59 am

This is pretty damn good tbh! You did a really good job giving the characters a personality in a pretty short period of time, which is really difficult to do. The only thing I would say is that it might be good to work a bit on the setting. The reader is just kind of jettisoned into the story, and a bit of world building might make the pacing a bit easier to follow. Other than that, I'm pretty interested in any future chapters!

_________________
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt 1234510
Back to top Go down
Lilkrasdog

Lilkrasdog

Posts : 246
Join date : 2014-02-26

Character sheet
Name: Character
Faction:
Level:

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt EmptyThu Feb 06, 2020 3:54 am

I am intrigued and would like to read more.
Back to top Go down
celtic_spike

celtic_spike

Posts : 314
Join date : 2018-05-17
Age : 44

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt EmptySun Feb 09, 2020 5:07 pm

Hey Gunners.
So we have re-done chapter 1 based on feedback and tried to add more detail. And chapter 2 is available now too.
Please let me know what you think

link:

[UPDATE]

so did people not see the update?
or did you read it and think it was so shit, you didn't want to comment Laugh Out Loud Laugh Out Loud Laugh Out Loud Laugh Out Loud
that whole "if you can't say anything nice" philosophy

_________________
Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Giphy
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty
PostSubject: Re: Would like some feedback on first novel attempt   Would like some feedback on first novel attempt Empty

Back to top Go down
 

Would like some feedback on first novel attempt

View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

 Similar topics

-
» armor mod attempt help lol
» My attempt to introduce myself
» Attempt 2 I Swear I'll Get It This Time
» A Weak Attempt at Poster Making
» [FO4] My first Retexture feedback welcome

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Gaming Underground Network :: Workshops :: Literature-