so me and my brother are trying to write a novel and i would love to get some feedback on the first chapter. He came up with the story and characters and all that but he has dyslexia so i am trying to do the technical bits grammar, sentence structure ...etc. We are both very much amateurs so feedback would be helpful. first chapter is here.

link:

I personally feel like the biggest problem is ability to write the actual detail i.e. describing how people look, the location...etc. so any advice on that front would be great

I don't really have much experience in writing novels and such but I can say that the characters in the story were very interesting.

I do agree about what you said about actual detail, describing the room everyone is in before any conversation starts or perhaps describing the Hierarchy of the mining facility to the best of the Character's knowledge.

Character appearance was pretty good for me, I had a good idea on how Riley and Gilly looked. Kriel's appearance wasn't describe as well.

Personality was one of the best things I enjoyed. Characters seemed believable, and conversations were interesting.

The intensity was really great at the end, I thought for a moment that it was going to be a tragic end for the first chapter. I want to know who shot that blaster lol.

Heyup, celtic_spike, not always been real big on fiction, but have a few authors that are really enjoyed.

Pros:
*Chapter 1 leaves me wanting to read on. Wanting to learn more about Riley and Gilly who appear to be the main characters. Could easily see character development being a strong suit of this story as it continues.
*Setting is described pretty well for the first chapter, leaving me again wanting to know more about the "red planet" as a whole and the mine in particular.
*The rapid escalation of the first sub-plot and subsequent "permanent" solution is reminiscent of Lee Child's Jack Reacher novels where someone gets the living shite kicked out them right off the block setting the stage for greater plot development in the grand scheme of the story.
*The banter between main characters is reminiscent of James Lee Burke's characters Dave Robicheaux and Clete Purcell and promises more sub-plots with the impetuous Gilly continuously making things interesting for the "arbeit macht frei" style of Riley.

Con:
*Nothing serious, really. The conversations could use more of a tempo, or lilt, if you will, between characters. Could use a more organic flow. Found myself stopping and re-starting some of the conversations.

Overall, the story shows big promise. I like it and want to leave encouragement for you and your brother to continue. Some of the brightest and most creative people I've known personally in life have been dyslexic. My dyslexic friends have been given a very unique perspective on life and their passions and when their creative dams break, the spectacle is truly a sight to see! Especially those who were held back by ignorant education systems.
Thanks for sharing.

thanks for the feedback guys, that was really encouraging. its too easy to look at what we have done so far and think its a load of shite.
so thanks.
if you are genuinely interested in reading more I will add chapter 2 when I get time to work on it.

figarodlc wrote:

Especially those who were held back by ignorant education systems.

seriously don't me fucking started on that. all 3 of my siblings had to deal with that and left school "believing" they were morons

celtic_spike wrote:

thanks for the feedback guys, that was really encouraging. its too easy to look at what we have done so far and think its a load of shite.
so thanks.
if you are genuinely interested in reading more I will add chapter 2 when I get time to work on it.

figarodlc wrote:

Especially those who were held back by ignorant education systems.

seriously don't me fucking started on that. all 3 of my siblings had to deal with that and left school "believing" they were morons

Hells yes I wanna read more!

This is pretty damn good tbh! You did a really good job giving the characters a personality in a pretty short period of time, which is really difficult to do. The only thing I would say is that it might be good to work a bit on the setting. The reader is just kind of jettisoned into the story, and a bit of world building might make the pacing a bit easier to follow. Other than that, I'm pretty interested in any future chapters!

I am intrigued and would like to read more.

Hey Gunners.
So we have re-done chapter 1 based on feedback and tried to add more detail. And chapter 2 is available now too.
Please let me know what you think

link:

[UPDATE]

so did people not see the update?
or did you read it and think it was so shit, you didn't want to comment
that whole "if you can't say anything nice" philosophy